Two living branches from one trunk, with a healed scar between them

Four Things That Keep Both Her Worlds Hers After Separation

A child of separated parents is a child of two whole worlds in a perfect world. She trusts that both are still hers, even after you and her father no longer live in the same home. Have you tried these four things build that trust between you and the child?

1. Find her anchor, and open the door to them.

Somewhere in her father's family or friends is someone who reminds you of the best in him: a laugh, a kindness, a way of showing up. Find that person, and let your child know them too. Then install the keyboard yourself, and write to them in Twi, or Tagalog, or whichever language her father speaks. Her library shelf fills with books in both her languages, side by side, the same shelf, the same place, even on the days her father cannot be there. This person provides the safer emotional anchor (sustainable agape love) to a world you once loved (unsustainable eros love).

2. Honour the anchor with a gift of her own.

The anchor person also puts you in touch with something of her father worth developing in your child. Let your child give them a book that says so, a bridge gift honouring a home just as whole as yours in her heart.

3. Watch for what she actually misses.

She will show you, in her own way and her own time, what she needs from the parent who is not there. Some days it is a word. Some days it is silence. Receive what comes, and if something you offer does not reach her, ask the anchor person for ideas on something else to offer that the child might appreciate.

4. Protect your own capacity to keep giving.

Raising her without her father in the house costs you more emotionally. Say yes when saying yes replenishes you. Say no when saying yes will make you feel depleted. Ask the child to suggest something else till you hear something you can say an enthusiastic yes to!

Gifts that heal

You give belonging to the person you love. One word in their language says: you have a place with me. The gifts below put that place into their hands. Write that word with the kasahorow keyboard.

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